HeraSphere #14: Let's Talk About Sex (and everything else we're avoiding)

The TL:DR

• Your relationships are the foundation of your health and happiness, and intimacy is the glue that keeps a partnership strong. But most of us are terrible at talking about what we actually want and need.

• Here's what Dr. Jenn wants you to know: you deserve to have pleasure – it's not selfish or optional, in fact it's essential for your well-being.

• The solution isn't more date nights or fancy lingerie – it's getting comfortable with being uncomfortable, clearing daily conflicts that block connection, understanding how your body's chemistry actually works, and learning how to communicate authentically about desire, pleasure, and what really matters in your relationship.

1. Why Intimacy Is About So Much More Than Sex

• Let's get real about intimacy. When most people hear that word, they immediately think about sex. But Dr. Jenn explains that true intimacy is about emotional and physical connection that goes way beyond the bedroom.

• All meaningful relationships – whether with your partner, friends, or even yourself – thrive on vulnerability. Intimacy is feeling safe enough to share your weird thoughts, your insecurities, your dreams. It's being able to laugh together, comfort each other, and feel genuinely seen by another person. Yes, physical intimacy is important too, but it flows naturally when the emotional foundation is solid.

• Research shows that people in intimate, connected relationships live longer, have better mental health, and even have stronger immune systems. Your relationship health is literally your physical health.

2. The Science of Sex and Connection

• From an evolutionary biology perspective, sex and intimate touch serve purposes far beyond reproduction – they're literally designed to bond us together and help us survive stress.

• During intimate physical contact, your body releases a powerful cocktail of feel-good chemicals. Oxytocin, often called the "love hormone," floods your system during skin-to-skin contact and peaks during orgasm. This hormone doesn't just make you feel good – it reduces cortisol (your stress hormone), lowers blood pressure, and strengthens your immune system.

• Dopamine, your reward and motivation neurotransmitter, spikes during sexual anticipation and activity, creating that addictive feeling of wanting more connection with your partner. Meanwhile, serotonin levels rise, improving your mood and helping you feel more emotionally stable and connected.

• From an evolutionary standpoint, this chemical symphony served a crucial survival function. Couples who bonded through regular intimate contact were more likely to stay together to raise offspring and support each other through challenges. That stress-relief mechanism is essential for your long-term health and relationship resilience.

3. What Gets in the Way (AKA Real Life)

• If you're thinking "this sounds great in theory, but have you seen my life?" – I hear you. Between work deadlines, kids' activities, household management, caring for aging parents, and trying to maintain some semblance of self-care, intimate connection often gets pushed to the bottom of the priority list.

• Dr. Jenn calls this the "roommate trap" – when you and your partner become efficient co-managers of your life but lose the spark that brought you together. You're handling logistics, serving as Uber drivers for kids, but not really connecting. Sound familiar?

• Maintaining intimacy takes intention and effort. It doesn't just happen naturally when life gets busy and complicated. I've learned that small, consistent efforts are way more powerful than grand gestures that happen once in a blue moon.

• An exercise I loved by Dr. Jenn: What is one topic you avoid talking about with your partner or can’t talk about in a responsible way? What emotions do you have around it? What story do you tell yourself about the topic that triggered them?

• The bottom line: Finding a way to address this topic responsibly will improve your connection & intimacy with your partner. Keep reading….

4. How to Actually Talk About The Hard Stuff (And Clear the Air First)

• Most of us have no idea how to talk about what we want and need. But here's something crucial that Dr. Jenn taught me: daily conflicts and unresolved tensions are intimacy killers. You can't connect deeply when you're carrying around resentment about who forgot to take out the trash.

• Before you can have meaningful conversations about intimacy, you need to clear the emotional clutter between you. Here's a simple clearing script you can use when minor conflicts arise:

  The Quick Clear Script:

  1. "I have something to clear with you. Is now a good time?"

  2. "When [specific behavior/incident], I felt [emotion] because [impact]."

  3. "What I made that mean was [the story you told yourself]."

  4. "What I want instead is [specific request]."

  5. "Is there anything you want to clear with me?"

  For example: "When you were on your phone during dinner, I felt disconnected because I was hoping we could catch up. What I made that mean was that work is more important to you than our time together. What I want instead is for us to have phone-free dinners twice a week. Is there anything you want to clear with me?"

• This approach addresses the issue without attacking character and creates space for both people to be heard.

5. Other communication essentials from Dr. Jenn

• Start with appreciation before addressing problems. Instead of "You never..." try "I love how you always... and I'd also love more of..." This sets a positive tone and makes your partner more receptive to feedback.

• Use "I" statements to express your needs. Rather than "You don't pay attention to me," try "I feel more connected when we have uninterrupted time together." It's less accusatory and more solution-focused.

• Schedule the conversation. Don't bring up relationship issues when you're stressed, tired, or distracted. Set aside dedicated time when you can both be present and focused.

6. Understanding Types of Sexual Drives (And Having Real Conversations About Them)

• During menopause and perimenopause, our bodies are changing and our desire changes with it. It doesn’t mean it is broke, its just different.

• Here's something that completely changed how I think about sexual compatibility: there are actually three different types of sexual drives, and most couples never talk about which ones they have. AND the order and timing of the sexual response cycle phases can vary dramatically.

• Spontaneous desire is what we see in movies – that sudden, out-of-nowhere urge for sex that might feel like it comes from nowhere. You're just going about your day and suddenly think "huh, the idea of sex sounds good" and then your physical arousal follows.

• Responsive desire means you're not initially thinking about sex, but once things get started physically, you get into it. Most people with responsive desire will think of themselves as having low or no desire because they're not thinking about sex spontaneously. But it's not that your desire is low – it just operates differently. You need some physical stimulation first before the idea of sex sounds appealing.

• Contextual desire requires specific circumstances – the right mood, timing, environment, or emotional state. You might need to feel particularly connected, or have the house to yourself, or it might only happen on vacation when you're relaxed.

• Most people think spontaneous desire is "normal" and everything else is problematic. But research shows that responsive and contextual desire are actually more common, especially for women and in long-term relationships. About 85% of women have responsive desire. The key is having an honest conversation with your partner about how your desires work.

• The classic sign you might be responsive? If you've ever caught yourself thinking after sex "huh, this is really fun, why don't I seem to want this more often?"

7. And yes, let's talk about planning for sex.

• Spontaneity is overrated – and here's the crazy part: we were always planning sex when we first started dating. Think about it: when you were first dating your partner, what was a date? You'd plan to go to dinner, come back to someone's place, and have sex. That's scheduling sex! We just looked at it differently back then. When your new boyfriend called and said "hey, want to go on a date Saturday?" you weren't thinking "wow, how unromantic that we have to schedule it." You were excited that he wanted to spend time with you.

• Planning allows both partners to get mentally prepared, create the right conditions, and anticipate pleasure rather than feeling pressured in the moment. Try saying something like: "I'd love to be intimate with you this weekend. Saturday evening works well for me – how does that sound to you?" This gives both people time to get in the right headspace and creates anticipation rather than pressure.

• The next step? Agree a time with your partner and put it on the calendar…

5 Easy Intimacy Enhancers

1. Institute a monthly check-in. Spend 30 minutes asking each other questions about your month, and actually listening to the answer. No phones, no distractions, just presence. Use Dr. Jenn’s monthly check-in guide to be the best partner for your partner.

2. Practice the 20-second hug daily. Research shows that hugging for 20 seconds releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone. It sounds silly, but this simple practice can literally rewire your connection.

3. Schedule a weekly date night where you do something fun together. This doesn't have to be expensive or elaborate – cook a new recipe together, take a walk and actually talk, play a board game, or try that hobby you've been talking about. The key is intentional time focused on enjoying each other's company.

4. Do the little things for your partner. Anything that speaks their Love Language…Make their favorite meal, bring home a small gift, plan an activity together they enjoy, you get the idea.

5. Ask for what you want clearly and kindly. Practice being specific about your needs, whether it's more physical affection, quality time, or support with household tasks.

Remember that physical intimacy encompasses massage, extended kissing, cuddling skin-to-skin, even dancing together can create oxytocin release and emotional bonding.

The goal isn't to recreate what you see in movies. It's to create a physical connection that feels good for both of you and strengthens your emotional bond. Sometimes that might be passionate and spontaneous, sometimes planned and gentle, sometimes playful and silly. All of it counts.

Your future self (and your partner) will thank you for having these conversations now. The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives. When we feel truly seen, loved, and connected, everything else becomes more manageable. We're more resilient, happier, and yes – healthier too.

Let's be brave enough to ask for what we need, vulnerable enough to share what's really going on, and committed enough to keep working on the relationships that matter most.

With love, courage and much discomfort,

Lilly

PS: If you know a woman who may be seeking more intimacy with her partner, please share the discomfort and forward this issue to her!

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Note: While I love diving deep into research and sharing what I've learned about women's health and wellness, I want to be crystal clear: I'm a passionate health advocate and researcher, not a medical professional. Think of me as your well-informed friend who does extensive homework – but not your doctor.

Everything I share in HeraSphere comes from careful research and personal experience, but it's meant to inform and inspire, not to diagnose or treat any medical conditions. Your body is uniquely yours, and what works for one person might not work for another. Always consult your healthcare provider before making significant changes to your diet, exercise routine, or wellness practices, especially if you have underlying health conditions or take medications.

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