HeraSphere #27: Connection for Longevity

Hi friends,

Happy Valentine's Day weekend! TBH, I’ve never been into the flowers, cards, overpriced chocolate in heart-shaped boxes. What actually matters is to me is when my son empties the dishwasher without being asked, when my husband does the laundry proactively, and when my daughter writes about me for an essay at school. The small every day moments vs. the annual performative one.

I spent most of Q4 buried in work. I cut out social plans, skipped dinners with friends, declined invitations because I was on the road. By January, I was exhausted because I'd systematically eliminated the points of connection that help me recharge. My goal this year is to spend more quality time connecting with friends. I'm making it a priority in my schedule and not waiting to see if there's time left over.

My icon Jane Fonda said loneliness is as dangerous for your health as smoking. The research that backs up her statement is astounding. Read on to find out more.

The TL;DR

• Loneliness carries the same health risks as smoking 15 cigarettes daily—increasing heart disease, stroke, and dementia risk

• Good relationships predict longevity better than genetics, diet, or exercise

• Your nervous system is wired for connection; isolation triggers inflammation and weakens immunity

• Social media hijacks dopamine, making you lonelier despite constant digital contact

• Actionable swaps: Choose purpose over perfection when gathering, embrace 90-second hugs, schedule monthly friend dates, make meals phone-free

The Biology of Connection: Why Your Body Needs Other Humans

• For most of human history, isolation meant death. Our caveman ancestors survived in groups—sharing resources, protecting each other from predators, raising children collectively. Your nervous system is still wired for that kind of interdependence. Modern life has shrunk our circles to nuclear families, sometimes just ourselves. We live in houses with locked doors instead of communal spaces. We drive alone in cars instead of walking through villages. Our biology hasn't caught up to this isolation, and it's making us sick.

• A 90-second hug releases oxytocin—the bonding hormone. When you hug someone for 90 seconds, your hypothalamus signals your pituitary gland to release oxytocin into your bloodstream. This triggers a cascade: cortisol drops, blood pressure lowers, your heart rate slows. It feels awkward at first, especially if you're used to the quick shoulder-pat version. But both the giver and receiver get the benefit. Your nervous system literally regulates through physical contact with other humans.

• I tried the 2-minute eye contact exercise at a retreat last year. You sit across from someone and just look at each other—no talking, no looking away. It's deeply uncomfortable for about 45 seconds. Then something shifts. You actually see the person. They see you. Two minutes of sustained eye contact creates more intimacy than weeks of small talk.

The Science: Why Connection is Life or Death

• Good relationships are the strongest predictor of who stays healthy and lives longest based on the Harvard Study of Adult Development tracked 724 people for 85 years—the longest study of adult life ever conducted.

• Loneliness increases premature death risk by 26%—equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes daily. Heart disease risk jumps 29%, stroke risk 32%, dementia risk 50%. Relationship satisfaction in midlife predicts healthy aging better than genetics. People in warm, secure relationships had sharper memory and better physical health as they aged. Married people lived 5-12 years longer for women, 7-17 years longer for men.

• Why? Your brain processes social pain the same way it processes physical pain. When you experience social rejection or isolation, the same brain regions light up as when you experience physical injury: the anterior cingulate cortex and the insula. This activates your body's stress response, flooding your system with cortisol and triggering a pro-inflammatory state that, over time, damages your cardiovascular system, compromises your immune function, and accelerates cellular aging.

Why This Matters for Women 40+

• About half of U.S. adults report loneliness. For women in midlife, the timing is particularly brutal. Hormonal shifts trigger mood changes and social withdrawal. This happens right when connection matters most for long-term health. You're managing aging parents, teenagers, career pressure—the people who need you most.

• We've been sold this idea that connection requires elaborate gatherings. Author Priya Parker calls this out in The Art of Gathering: we're obsessed with how to gather instead of just doing it. We research the perfect playlist, stress over the menu, curate the aesthetic. Meanwhile, the invisible labor of maintaining relationships falls disproportionately on women.

• Third places play an important role. Gyms, libraries, coffee shops, community centers, even the grocery store used to function as places where you'd run into neighbors, have casual conversations, build the loose social ties that create community. Now we order groceries online, work out in our basements, and minimize time in public spaces. These were the regular, repeated exposure to the same faces that made you feel like you belonged somewhere. Your nervous system needs these ambient connections, the familiar nod from the librarian, the regular you see at the gym every Tuesday. This is the social infrastructure that prevents isolation.

• Meaningful gatherings don’t require perfection. People are finding connection in unexpected ways. Book clubs where half the time gets spent talking about life instead of the book. Walking groups where the point is just moving your body next to someone else's. Standing coffee dates where people drop in when they can. The point isn't the activity or making it Instagram-worthy. It's creating regular, low-pressure reasons to be in the same physical space, doing ordinary things together instead of alone in separate homes.

Men and Boys in Your Life Need Connection Too

• Men are dying from loneliness at higher rates than women. After retirement, divorce, or the death of a spouse, men's social networks often collapse. Women tend to maintain friendships independently. Men frequently rely on their partners to organize their social lives.

• Boys and young men are particularly struggling. Research shows teenage boys and young men are experiencing record levels of loneliness and social isolation. They're not socialized to build and maintain emotional connections the way girls are. Video games and online communities provide pseudo-connection, but not the deep relationships that protect health.

• The men and boys in your life need to know that maintaining friendships is survival. Your husband, your sons, your brothers need help building their own social infrastructure. Encourage them to have regular plans with friends, not just casual "let me know if you want to grab a beer" invitations that never materialize. Model what it looks like to prioritize connection. Show them it's normal to schedule friend time, to reach out when you haven't talked in a while, to be vulnerable.

And Your Phone is Making You Lonelier

• People who use social media for two or more hours daily are more than twice as likely to report feeling socially isolated. Every like, comment, notification triggers a dopamine hit—the same reward chemical from real connection. But it's a hollow substitution. Social media delivers quick spikes without depth, safety, or sustained satisfaction. Your brain learns to crave the easy hit.

• Scrolling becomes the default instead of calling a friend. Liking a photo replaces having coffee. Your dopamine receptors get desensitized, requiring more digital stimulation to feel satisfied.

• I've noticed I'm checking it during moments I used to use for actual conversation, and aspire to make a change.

What I'm Trying

• I'm planning time for connection. Monthly scheduled connection with friends, even when I'm feeling swamped. Walking dates with friends—both in-person and virtual because FaceTime while we both walk our neighborhoods works surprisingly well.

• Scheduling regular dinners with friends and neighbors, even if it's takeout pizza on paper plates and my house is a mess. Longer hugs, even though it feels weird at first. Phone-free meals, which is harder than it sounds.

We optimize our diets, track our workouts, supplement for longevity—but the Harvard data shows that the quality of our relationships in midlife matters more than any of it.

We can’t measure connection on our Oura rings, so it requires even more intention. This Valentine's Day, I'm less interested in the flowers and chocolates and more interested in the unglamorous work of showing up. Texting back. Saying yes. Putting the phone down. Making time even when I don't have it.

Please drop me a note with how you are planning to prioritize connection this year!
Lilly

P.S. If you know a friend—or a man in your life—who needs to hear this, forward it to them. We all need more connection!

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Note: While I love diving deep into research and sharing what I've learned about women's health and wellness, I want to be crystal clear: I'm a passionate health advocate and researcher, not a medical professional. Think of me as your well-informed friend who does extensive homework – but not your doctor.

Everything I share in HeraSphere comes from careful research and personal experience, but it's meant to inform and inspire, not to diagnose or treat any medical conditions. Your body is uniquely yours, and what works for one person might not work for another. Always consult your healthcare provider before making significant changes to your diet, exercise routine, or wellness practices, especially if you have underlying health conditions or take medications.

ICYMI, here are a few past issues that you may enjoy: